“So, what do women want?”
This age-old question has been echoing, in every part of the world, since the dawn of humanity and has yet to be answered. Many books have been written on the subject; movies have been made; and comics and cartoons have been illustrating (mostly wrongly) what women want. But all kidding aside, seriously, what do women want?
I, personally, have been approached by many of my friends’ boyfriends, as well as several other single men, with this question. Not sure as to why they choose me to consult, but this simple fact – and the fact that observation is part of my daily routine – has made me try to look closer into the subject. And surprisingly enough, I have come to learn a whole lot… of course, being a woman myself has also helped.
So, to make this introduction short, as I know many of you are anxious to know more, the following are my very own personal findings on this subject matter.
Women want love. Not sex; love.
Women are well known to be emotional creatures; anything and everything that happens has an emotional impact on them. And therefore, emotions are extremely important to them. This is not to claim that they are not logical as well; frankly, many studies have shown that women tend to be more logical than men. But that is a whole different topic, which I will NOT delve into in order to avoid being hated on by my male friends and acquaintances.
When we talk about love, the understanding of this concept greatly differs between men and women. In general, men (whether straight or gay) relate love to physical or sexual feelings. When a man is “in love” with a woman, this generally means that he is physically and sexually attracted to this one particular woman more than he is to any other. This does not mean that men do not feel “love” – the actual emotion – but rather, they link this emotion to physical or sexual attributes. And often times when a man is attracted to a woman, it is his libido that is controlling this attraction and not his “heart”.
On the other hand, for women, love is a pure emotional experience. The rapid heart beats, the anxiousness, the longing to see and spend time with the one they love; the feelings of joy that overtakes them. It is missing that person 5 minutes after they have left; it is wanting to spend every waking hour with that person. Love, for women, is not physical or sexual at all; love is the emotions they feel. This is what “love” is for women, and this is one of the things they want.
Women tend to like men who fit their description of attractive (usually the physical features that appeal to them – features such as facial hair or color of hair, height, body shape, and the such) and who tend to make them laugh, have a sense of humor, and are respectful. When a woman is first attracted to man, it is not to be mistaken for sexual attraction (although there are exceptions to the rule, but they are a minority).
Whereas men are attracted to women who are appealing to their sexual desires; for example, women who have bigger boobs or butts, and are seductive. In general the first thing men tend to notice about a woman is the size of her breasts and her buttocks – the features that constitute the sexual aspect of a human being. Hence the surge of the huge numbers of plastic surgeries, namely breast enlargement (women have figured men out).
Men need to understand that women want the emotions, and not the physical.
But be ware, gents, women also have their physical/sexual needs, which brings us to…
As previously mentioned, sex and love for the male species is one and the same. It is easier for men to have sex with a stranger than it is for women, mainly because sex is an act of release for men. Over the course of time, I have come to understand that sex for men is an essential part of life. They have sex when they are stressed out, as it helps them relieve the stress. When they are happy, sad or even depressed, men resort to sex for a change of mood. Even when they are physically tired, men have an extraordinary ability to overcome the exhaustion and participate in the physically strenuous act of sex. Have you ever heard a man refuse sex? No, unless he is cheating on his wife/girlfriend; but that’s a separate topic.
To further support this observation, men generally relate their overall well being to the level of their sexual desires – the better the sex life, they better they are. In addition, more men than women “suffer” from a decreased libido, and are always afraid of losing their sex drive. Some may argue that men are animalistic in nature; maybe so, but sex for men is sort of therapeutic. Sad, but true.
Conversely, sex for women is another (physical) way to express their emotions for the one they love. Just like saying “I love you” or hugging or cuddling, sex is one form of expression. Intimacy for women can vary anywhere between chilling watching a movie on the sofa to full-on intercourse. And unlike men, when women are stressed, tired or sad, they do not crave or think of sex, as it is not therapeutic for them. This is not to say that women do not like sex, or that sex is not important for women; on the contrary, it very much is. However, it is not number 1 on their list as opposed to men.
If you take a closer look, a successful relationship – nowadays – is one in which the woman is a great lover and the man is a good provider… “of what?” you may ask. Please go on.
This is the area where most misunderstandings arise, and where men are left utterly confused and at a loss as to what to do or how to behave. The word “attention” has that effect on men, as it makes them feel like they are always getting it wrong. However, a closer look at the word can shed some insight into what women really mean by “attention”.
To start off, attention does not – in any way or form – mean the constant calling or texting or showering of sweet words. Trust me, those could drive a woman away faster than a speeding bullet leaving the nozzle of a gun and heading to its target. Attention, to women, is a lot of things. So pay close “attention” to the following…
First and foremost, it is very crucial to understand that women, by nature, are very independent creatures. God had created them this way. They are able to handle – on their own – work, a husband, children, house chores, cooking, cleaning and many, many more things. They are programmed this way.
What does this have to do with attention? I will tell you.
Despite their unique ability for independence, women (as mentioned previously) are very emotional. And emotions are what “recharges their batteries”. And what better way to provide these emotions than to be attentive?
The secret to “giving a woman attention” is in being alert to the signs, both verbal and non-verbal. Women use signs to convey what’s on their mind, or how they are feeling. So being attentive to those can be life-saving. For example, you should know when to be her lover, and when to be her friend. In all their relationships, women look for the complete package: someone who can be their lover and their friend. So knowing when to be what is of utmost importance.
More often than not, men get confused about how to behave with their women. Should I console her, or should I just stay away? It would be extremely easy for men had all women been the type to verbalize what’s on their mind. But women, in general, are not the type. And therefore, they revert to signs. She could shrug her shoulders as a request for a hug (the kind that can make her feel secure and mend almost everything); or she could just go silent on you, leaving you at a loss when most probably she is quietly asking you to leave her alone, or maybe just sit there and say and do nothing.
It is important to know that not all women use the same signs; so your ex’s shoulder shrug can mean the total opposite to your girlfriend’s.
In addition, it means a whole lot to women when you listen to her (really listen, and not just pretend to listen while you’re undressing her in your mind); or, better yet, when you ask her about her day. Women always have more to say than men; not because they are talkative, but because they are more detail oriented and use a lot of details in their speech. So be interested in what she has seen, done and experienced throughout the day, and not just in her amazing abilities in bed.
Another mistake that men commit in the area of “giving attention” is with the whole calling and texting thing. By all means, do text and call her, but not every 3.5 seconds of the day.Give her some space to at least miss you. Conversely, do not completely ignore her under the pretext of giving her space. Create a balance after having gotten to know your woman (key phrase here: “gotten to know your woman”!). And every now and then, send her a bouquet of flowers, for no reason, with a note that might read something like: “Just a little something to make you smile”. This can transform her whole day. Or maybe book her a message session (not the couples type) at a spa and let her unwind. Trust me, the rewards for you are overwhelming (simply seeing her happy and relaxed just feels great, right?).
One other form of attention is being there and being a support. If a woman ever confides in you and, for instance, tells you what a horrible day she has had, do not attempt to blame her, and never ever ask her to change her attitude (even if that could mean the solution to all her problems). Simply listen attentively, give her support and just be there for her. Women do not like being told what to do. And more often than not, when a woman talks to you, all she is asking you for is to listen; this is their way of venting and putting things into perspective. Trust me, women can sound totally illogical when they are angry or upset, but when the storm subsides, they will forget all the craziness. But, they will never forget your attitude during the storm. So be smart… no wonder many straight women engage in a same-sex relationship at one point in their lives.
As stated earlier, emotions are what women need to recharge their energy. Sweet talking and compliments are another form of attention. Women like it when you notice their new hairdo, or the new Michael Kors shoes they bought – which, to you, might look identical to the other 25 pairs in the closet. Furthermore, women like to be showered with compliments; she likes to hear that she is beautiful even when she has just cried a river and looks like a mess. It isn’t because they are shallow or weak, nor because they lack self-confidence. It is because compliments touch their feelings, and emotions are their source of nurture. However, do not overdo it. Too many compliments might make their stomach turn; just like when you over eat your favorite food – you feel like you are about to throw up.
Additionally, women do not like clingy men; to them, that is a sign of weakness and lack of self-confidence. Women like men who can live without them, but chose not to. They admire a man who makes them feel they complete him and are equal to him, and not a man who is desperate and dependent.
I cannot stress this enough: always be alert and attentive to the signs, and always be moderate. Too much of something can also be lethal.
Honesty, no matter how harsh, is the best policy to go about it with women; because women “know”. This is the one common attribute to all women: they know. How? Again, their feelings. Women have a gut feeling that is seldom wrong; they sense things like a radar. I am sure you have heard of many women who knew their man was cheating on them, although there was no evidence to support this knowledge. Same applies to their children; if their child is not feeling well a million miles away, a woman senses it. And therefore, I highly recommend the use of honesty with women. Of course, there is a way to go about telling your wife/girlfriend that you cheated on her, but I will leave it up to you to decide the best method of doing so.
With honesty comes security and stability; and those are of utmost importance for women. Although women are extremely capable of adapting to change, they long for feelings of security and stability. I do not intend to say that women like routine, not at all! Routine can kill a woman’s soul.This can be due to their maternal instincts, where they need security and stability to nurture their offsprings. For a woman, security and stability is knowing that things are fine and will remain as such even if problems and hardships arise. Your role as her man is to make sure to let her feel that way. Women, despite their independence, long for a man with whom they feel safe; a man they know they can depend on when worse comes to worst. And so, if you are the type who likes to play games, are insensitive and selfish, or simply in it to get laid, a woman will get rid of you, sometimes sooner than you think. Cause again, women “know”!
And so, to sum things up: always be alert and attentive. That’s the way to knowing what women really want. Now please note two very important things:
1. All the above-mentioned is purely personal observations; I do not claim, or intend to claim, that any research has been done on the subject;
2. Not all women are the same, especially in the areas of love and sex. I, personally, know many women who are more sexually driven than men, and to whom love and sex are the same.